Life is Short but Sweet for Certain

Wedding Flowers

2011-04-04T10:11:00.001-04:00

My wedding flowers got finished yesterday! How pretty are they?! I am so excited I went this route as opposed to real flowers. I love the purple little fuzzy dots that stick out as well. T - 5months!

It's a nice day for a white wedding!

2011-04-04T09:48:00.002-04:00

Nick (Denise's son) got married on Saturday. His new wife Andrea is wonderful! And one of my bridesmaids! Couldn't be more happy for them.

The wedding process

2011-03-23T11:19:00.002-04:00

Lisa and the monkey

2011-03-23T11:14:00.002-04:00

Look at the monkey on the far left...

Now look at Lisa...

They were meant to be.

I'm a model, you know what I mean?

2011-03-23T11:13:00.002-04:00

I see a future for Parker in Palm Beach

2011-03-23T11:13:00.001-04:00

Modesty

2011-03-23T11:12:00.000-04:00

I am glad that Linus knows what modesty is.

My Boys

2011-03-23T11:10:00.001-04:00

Ryan and I went shopping at an electronics store that was going out of business. Shortly after, Cam and Ryan found MegaMind to be more interesting then shopping.

Turkey Trot

2010-11-27T21:50:00.000-05:00

Linus

2010-11-27T21:45:00.005-05:00

Here goes nothing

2010-11-02T00:42:00.000-04:00

Maybe this is being written because I am too jazzed up on tea to sleep. Maybe it is being written because I have to wait up till midnight to register for my grad classes for the spring. Maybe it’s because I had a terrible day with the kids at work, followed by a 2.5 hour meeting with all of Kate’s parents. Or maybe it’s because I haven’t put my thoughts on “paper” for a long time. Either way, here we are.

Tonight, the idea of my new responsibilities with Kate became all too real. Before, I feel like the idea of being step mother Jill never really kicked in. I was always daddy’s girlfriend who liked to have rules and a clean house. But tonight, sitting across the table from Sarah and Ivo discussing schedules, consequences and ultimately what’s best for Kate, something jolted with me. I am in this for the long haul. And I don’t just mean until I get sick of it, or he gets sick of me… this is my future. This little blonde haired girl who my fiancé loves more than life itself is it. Sarah is my future. Ivo is my future. Years of working with them, meetings, parent teacher conferences, proms, homecomings, a wedding, grandkids… it all revolves around a working relationship with these two people.

For a long time in the early stages, I resisted the idea of working with them. I despised Sarah’s presence in Ryan’s life. She made things hard for me. I was always wondering if he loved her more, or if she was going to sneak in and decide that she wanted to be a solid family with him. She has a kid with him, it only made sense. But tonight I realized that this isn’t about the past relationship. This is about the future relationship with Kate. This is about making her life as easy as possible. This is about giving Kate the life that none of us had with our divorced parents. And now, my feelings of resentment towards Sarah have turned into feelings of jealousy of Kate. This kid is so lucky that she has 4 adults who want to get along for her. Who communicate every day, multiple times a day, to make her life smooth.

It makes me wonder what my life would have been like if my parents would have been adults when dealing with me as a child. Here I am, at the age of 23, and I am just now getting to know my father… just now having the conversations that we should have had all along. It’s hard to fully trust his new found excitement for my life, in fear that this has all been just a sick joke played on me by his increase in Prozac.
Ryan can’t understand my hesitation. He has made peace with the idea of not having his dad in his life for a long time. So had I. I used to think that life would easier if he would just succumb to his heart attacks and leave us all. Now, with his heart still in peril, I fear the inevitable heart attack that we all know if going to eventually take his life. It sounds stupid to be so negative, but the proof is on the paper. Lord knows the man is going to outlive us all…

One side of this that is positive however, is that I think had my parents been civilized, and had they not fought and made every Thanksgiving, Christmas and Birthday a dreadful “pull Jillian in 97 directions” affair, then I wouldn’t be open to working with Sarah and Ivo. It has taken me a long time to coming around to the idea of being a united front. In the early stages of Ryan and my relationship, I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to get over the presence of Sarah. It was a constant strain on our relationship. A few things happened in early summer that made me realize what an ass I was being about the situation. One was a fight where I heard my step mother screaming in the background… and I just thought, “I don’t want to be like her. I don’t ever want Kate to have this feeling.” Maybe Chris’ tantrum made me a better parent in the long run. Maybe I should be grateful about the years of hurt feelings and my missing father because it made me fall in love with Ryan’s commitment to Kate. Maybe all of my past with my dad was to get me to be a great parent to Kate. Maybe all of the hurt was worth it after all.

In the next coming months, I know this blog is going to blow up with written entries. I feel like my mind is constantly spinning with everything that’s changing all at once. It feels nice though to be spinning again after months of being stagnate.

So here’s to being a new mom, a graduate student, a future wife, an understood daughter, a fun aunt (hopefully!), a new partner and friend, and the owner of the best beagle ever. Here goes nothing…

My new little family

2010-10-22T23:24:00.001-04:00

Gaven's Birthday

2010-10-22T23:22:00.002-04:00

He's 12 and still as cute as a button.

World's Largest Pie Fight

2010-10-22T23:16:00.003-04:00

My family went to Central Penn College in effort to compete in the world's largest pie fight, according to the Guinness Book of Records. Sadly, we were about 100 people short. They still raised about $1500 for cancer research, and I got to throw pies at my family (which fell at the same time Mom and I were bickering about the wedding). And yes, that is blood on my cheek. Mom got a little excited...

Awesome Sunset at the Fair!

2010-10-01T23:54:00.000-04:00

Apple Picking

2010-10-01T23:53:00.000-04:00

PSU Game

2010-10-01T23:52:00.001-04:00

Magic Kingdom

2010-10-01T23:50:00.000-04:00

Hollywood Studios

2010-10-01T23:48:00.001-04:00

Epcot

2010-10-01T23:46:00.001-04:00

Animal Kingdom

2010-10-01T23:44:00.001-04:00

New Computer

2010-09-11T22:18:00.000-04:00

First blog post from the new laptop! YAY! Maybe this computer won't catch on fire...

Kaitlynn's Birthday Party

2010-08-26T00:05:00.002-04:00

Kate had a Beatles themed party, complete with a yellow submarine cake! She loved it.

NYC

2010-08-25T23:56:00.003-04:00

Lisa and I made a random trip to NYC to go see our house mother from the Philippines, Ate (pronounces Ah-Teh) Lyn. We ended up going to see the Addams family on Broadway starring Nathan Lane, and she took up to a little Philippino section of the city and we got great food. Lisa had the camera and also the good pictures, but here are some I got!

Just for Steph...

2010-08-20T20:54:00.003-04:00

I hope this made your day.

More to come when my life gets interesting again LOL.

There is no denying that Tom is the father...

2010-08-20T20:54:00.001-04:00

Gaven shaking his toush on the catwalk

2010-08-20T20:51:00.002-04:00

Amazing Mavis

2010-08-20T20:50:00.002-04:00

Summer Schnanigans

2010-08-20T20:48:00.001-04:00

Swimming

2010-02-13T14:30:00.003-05:00

TOO MUCH SNOW!

2010-02-13T14:22:00.000-05:00

Please Touch Meseum!

2010-02-13T14:19:00.003-05:00

Ryan and I took Kate to the Please Touch Museum in Philly. Everything was hands on, and she had a blast. My favorite part was the Alice in Wonderland section. You could play crochet with flamingos and get lost under the ocean. I even got a quick dinner with Lisa and Becca thrown in there. It was a much needed play day!

So Happy.

2010-02-13T14:18:00.000-05:00

Family Farm Show visits!

2010-02-13T14:17:00.000-05:00

Ben won an award for her service through FFA, so the whole farm family made an appearance.

New Years!

2010-02-13T14:11:00.003-05:00

For New Years this year, I went to NYC with my friend Katherine and stayed with her brother in upper Manhattan. We went to Central Park, The Met, saw a Broadway show, went to a party and hung around town. The Met had art that took your breath away! I got to see my very first Monet painting… and it moved me to tears.

We miss you everyday, Rupert!

2010-02-13T14:10:00.001-05:00

Random Holiday Cheer

2009-12-13T11:52:00.001-05:00

All of Dad's kids

2009-12-13T11:51:00.000-05:00

In truth, we wish we were treated as well as the dogs!

One big happy...

2009-12-13T11:50:00.000-05:00

The Sub Chronicles - Stupid ID tags

2009-11-05T16:19:00.003-05:00

When I got hired, the district informed me that I had to wear my name tag all the time. They had "code orange" security and for the safety of the children, everyone had to be able to be identified on a moments notice. That is all fine and dandy.

One morning, I got called at 7:45 to be at a school that was 25 minutes away... and I had to be there by 8:10. I was in my sleeping. Un-showered. No clothes picked out. No lunch packed. No breakfast eaten.

Great.

I have never moved so fast to get out the door in my life. On my way to the school, I realized that I had forgotten my name tag. My first thought was to go back to get
it, but I realized that I would be really really late and didn't want to risk getting in trouble with the principal. Plus, since I had never been to this school before, I wanted to get there in as much time as possible to at least figure out where the cafeteria was. As I walk into the front door, grab the sub folder, and head towards the classroom door, I see a bunch of students waiting outside the door.

Crap.

The kids are already there, meaning I am going to be in a fluster all day since I didn't have time to get organized before the kids got there for the day. I confidently walk into the room and I am reading the sub plans when a little boy comes up to me and taps the paper that I am reading.

For the sake of this story, we will call him Nathan. Nathan was a little short boy, even for 1st grade, he was still small. He had big rimmed glasses and toe-head blond hair.

He took a big sniff and got up his courage and said "Who are you?"

"I am your sub for the day. My name is Miss W and your teacher is sick today."

He thought about this for a second and said "Well, where is
your name tag?"

Grrr...

"I forgot it today. I was running out the door. It's OK though. I am your sub for today."

This did not please him.

"Well, we have a problem. You are supposed to have a name tag."

Really kid?

"I know. I have one, I just forgot it today. If you want to go down to the office and make sure that it's OK, that I'm here that's fine. But I promise that I am supposed to be here and that the office knows that I am here."

He is getting quite flustered. His face is getting all red and you can tell that he is not happy.

"Fine. I will go to the office. And when I get back, you better have a name
tag."

He proceeds down the hall. I hear him telling his friends in the hall that there is a woman in his classroom that didn't have a name tag, and that he was going to the office to "make sure the situation was under control".

I continue to read the plans. A few minutes later, I see a head poking in the door. Not a body, just a head. Nathan had returned. And was now staring at me... I say to him

"Is everything OK?" He nods.

"OK then. Can you please come in the classroom and do your morning
job?"

Slowly he opens the door and steps inside. He lets out a huge
sigh and says "I just don't know about you".

At this point Nathan, I don't know about you either.

The Sub Chronicles - Kids say the Darnedest things...

2009-11-05T16:18:00.001-05:00

Bill Cosby coined the phrase: Kids say the darnedest things. Boy... he had no idea what a mouthful he was saying when he said that.

The things that you over hear on a day to day basis when you sub is unbelievable. This goes back to the idea that kids take in everything and are aware of everything. And most comments are strung from absolute innocence.

For example, the quote to himself "my head hurts when I think". He had no idea the humor and irony that was coming out of his mouth when he said it.

My favorite thing though (so far) happened during a conversation between 2 girls.

Both of these girls had to stay in during recess to work on something or another. When I was a kid, if I didn't get recess, that was the worst day ever. These girls seemed to be in no hurry to make it to the swings however. As they were working at their desk, I was sitting at the teacher's desk reading and not really listening to their conversation. They were talking quietly and as far as I was concerned, they were only wasting their own time.

For the sake of the story, we are going to name these girls Jenna and Kristen. Now, I am not sure exactly how this conversation got to this point, but I heard Kristen say "My dad really snores".

I love it when kids talk about their parents because no information is off limits, so I pause from my book to listen.

Jenna replies " My grandma's boyfriend really snores. I have to stay at my grandma's house when my mom's boyfriend comes to visit."

Now I am really listening.

Jenna continues "I am with my grandma about 4 times a week. But it's funny, because sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and hear snoring and its my grandma's boyfriend. He always gets there in the middle of the night when I am asleep."

Now they have my full attention.

Kristen reply's "Why doesn't he get there early to eat supper with you?"

Jenna says "Well, he is a truck driver and doesn't get in until late at night. It usually sounds like they are moving furniture before they go to bed, but when I wake up all the furniture is moved back to where it was before I went to bed."

I am ready to burst with laughter.

Kristen thinks about this for a minute and reply's "My mom and dad move furniture in the night too. I think it is Santa's elves who are checking on me in the night, they move it back before I wake up".

At this point I thought it was best to intervene and remind them to focus on their work. You really can't make this up...

The Sub Chronicles - Germs

2009-11-05T16:17:00.001-05:00

Another thing that has happened to me since subbing has started is that I have become incredibly aware of the amount of germs that surround me every minute of every day.

I think it all started when my first real long subbing job (it lasted for a week) came from a lady who had swine flu. Now I understand it is going around and no one is safe, but honesty.

When I found out her diagnosis, I promptly asked the custodian to come in and clean her desk and the students desks. He came in and did the desks, and my mind was set at ease.

Temporally.

When I was doing attendance that morning, I realized that while the top of her desk was clean... everything inside it was not. The pen I was holding in my hand at that moment was in her hand yesterday and was suddenly covered in green germs - the animated kind that are in FloNase commercials.

I was suddenly acutely aware of every sneeze, cough and hiccup that was coming from the kids.

By the end of the day, I felt as if I were covered in those talking green germs.

And God forbid if a kid wants to hug you goodbye... You see them wipe their nose on their sleeve, give a little cough and then reach their small outstretched arms out at you. And you can't resist them. They are too cute. But sometimes it is just EW.

The worst germ factor however is the dreaded birthday treat. When you were a kid, and when I was a kid, when it was your birthday, you took in cookies or cupcakes or some homemade wonderful treat that you couldn't wait to share with your class and favorite teachers. You walked from room handing out your mom's treats (which you knew were the best in the class), and soaked in all the warm birthday wishes from teachers. It was a great day for everyone. Reality of the situation: Teachers don't eat them. When that cupcake hits the desk, they plaster on a smile and say that they can't wait to eat it... when in reality that cupcake is also covered in the green germs. It is such a waste of a good cupcake.

EDIT - The worst thing is Pink Eye.

The Sub Chronicles - Blank Walls

2009-11-05T16:16:00.001-05:00

The Sub Chronicles:
You realize many things when you are subbing. For me, it has been how badly I want my own classroom. I also find myself looking around at classrooms and situations and trying to figure out what kind of classroom setting I want to set.

I know in the District where I am primarily been subbing, they are an LFS - learning focus school. What this means is that bulletin boards have to have information as apposed to pictures and fun things. Being that this is District mandated, there is very little wiggle room on this topic.

Still, it is interesting to see the many various ways that teachers present the same material. For example, some teachers make everything color coded and bright... boards that scream "Even though I am full of dull lesson information, LOOK AT ME'.

Other teachers have given up all together on the concept of bulletin boards and have just put up the bare minimum to scrap by.

Others yet have just thrown material on the board, with no sense of color scheme or pattern. These classrooms drive me bananas.

I have found (and have been told) that I need to do things my way and that I am less stressed out when things are done by the "Jillian Method".

When I enter one of these classrooms, where there are throws of color with no sense of balance or pattern, I just want to re-do it. I spend my days staring at the wall, trying to figure out how I would change it if I could. The kids of course take notice of my staring, and once, I even got into a discussion/debate with a student about what they would do if the could decorate a room.

You may not think anything of it, but kids notice when things don't match. And they notice when walls are dull. And they notice when things are too bright and in your face.

And they notice ever more so when you spend your days staring at the dull or in your face walls.

Broken Heart

2009-09-28T20:08:00.002-04:00

I got an e-mail today from A. Lynn (my house mother in the Philippines) and she said that typhoon had hit the island and devastated where we were working. These pictures are heartbreaking. This is the town we worked in and where we made everlasting friendships. Some of our friends lost everything.

Mat Kearney

2009-09-28T19:59:00.003-04:00

Lisa and I made a random trip to Philly to see Mat Kearney! As you can see, we had a great spot. Excellent concert!

Denise's Nurse's Graduation

2009-09-28T19:56:00.004-04:00

LUCY!!!

2009-09-28T19:51:00.001-04:00

Old man Rupert

2009-09-18T19:38:00.001-04:00

Fruit in a doughnut??!! WHAT??!!

2009-09-18T19:37:00.000-04:00

This was the face when Gaven found out that his doughnut had apples in it. Heaven forbid that a pastry included fruit! He wouldn’t eat the rest of it because he said it was too healthy!

Labor Day Weekend!

2009-09-18T19:31:00.000-04:00

For Labor Day weekend, Lisa’s mom called and asked me to come to the Poconos to surprise Lisa! We went camping with a bunch of people from her church. There was a beautiful waterfall and lots of card playing! It was a great weekend!

End of summer camp

2009-08-28T09:44:00.001-04:00

The last week of summer camp was packed full of fun. On Monday we went bowling, Wednesday we went to Knobles and Friday we went to Bounce U. It was an action packed week. I also made a movie that summed up the whole summer, but I am not sure it would fit on here. We sold the movie to the parents and made a nice profit from it. As much fun as we had this summer, it will be nice to be able to recuperate from all the action. (Also, the last picture is of Gaven at Bounce U)

Stupid e-mail

2009-08-28T09:39:00.001-04:00

Well, since our e-mails did not want us to share these pictures, here are the ones I was going to send anyway. The family just has too many cute girls!

Hilton Head Island

2009-08-09T18:30:00.003-04:00

Our trip to Hilton Head was WONDERFUL! Minus the jellyfish sting, everyone had a great time! We met up with Tom’s cousin Chuck and his family, Irenita (wife) and their kids, Andria, Celeste and Caitlin. We also took our cousin Alex so Parker had someone to hang out with. We spent lazy days at the beach and had the most beautiful house I have ever seen. Here are just a few of the many, many, many pictures we took this week. They include the jellyfish sting heard around the world, a picture of 1 of the 6 sharks we caught when we went fishing, our awesome sandcastle, and other random shots!

Wet and Wild Water Day

2009-07-31T18:52:00.001-04:00

The Pennsylvania Ren. Faire!

2009-07-31T18:44:00.002-04:00

Washington DC

2009-07-20T22:39:00.000-04:00

Washington D.C. was amazing! We took the kids to the Native American Museum. My co-worker Michele has wanted to go there for over 20 years, so watching her look around was so neat. Later that afternoon we took the kids to the American History Museum and we had a ball! We saw Kermit the Frog, Oscar the Grouch, First Ladies dresses, Julia Child's kitchen and got to invent new toys. The kids had a great day, and we had great kids. Best trip by far!

Dutch Wonderland

2009-07-20T22:35:00.000-04:00

What I thought was going to be a lame day at Dutch Wonderland, turned out to be amazing. We had the best kids, and once they let go and decided that they weren't too cool to be there, we had a great time. The diving show was my personal favorite!

4th of July

2009-07-20T22:32:00.001-04:00

VA Trip - LOOONG overdue!

2009-07-09T22:16:00.003-04:00

So here are some WAY overdue pictures of my trip to VA! The trip included some camp time and a Coldplay concert. It was amazing. (I included the chicken picture just for you, Steph. So you could see that not only am I not crazy, but that I am not the only one who takes a rubber chicken everywhere…)

Super Parker to the RESCUE!

2009-07-09T22:15:00.000-04:00

Parker wanted a designer tan this year. This is what he went with:

Random Camp Happenings

2009-07-09T22:11:00.002-04:00

Camp has been running much smoother lately. Some changes were made within my group and things are amazing. This week has been themed “A mid-summer’s knight’s dream”. Everything has been medieval themed. We went to Dutch Wonderland and have done some really cool activities with the kids. Here are some photos from random happenings: Included is a house of cards, handmade dream catchers, handmade kites (mine was AWESOME. If flew and EVERYTHING), making our July 4th flag cake and kiddos on the swings.

Indian Echo Caverns

2009-06-24T21:50:00.000-04:00

Indian Echo Caverns Trip! This trip was pretty cool, but our kids didn’t really get into it. They were not interested in the thousand year old rock formations, they just wanted lunch. The picture of the lake was my favorite part; the water was so clear and beautiful!

The Crayola Factory!

2009-06-24T21:46:00.000-04:00

The Crayola Factory: Always a winner! I love it up there. My kids were apprehensive about going because it was a lot of crafts and hands on things, but they got really into it. I love all the colors and crafts: defiantly recommend it for those with kids around the ages of 4-8!

Meadowbrook Gourds

2009-06-24T21:43:00.001-04:00

This was our trip to Meadowbrook Gourds. As lame as it sounds, it was actually really cool. We got to make a birdhouse and they gave us a tour of the farm. They were on the show Dirtiest Jobs, so the kids really liked that. Overall, a very successful field trip!

Popcorn and Cell phones

2009-06-24T21:40:00.000-04:00

So Barkman had the idea to try to pop popcorn using waves from our cell phones. This was just too funny not to take a picture of.

Camp, Jobs, Ect.

2009-06-16T12:47:00.002-04:00

So the job hunt has taken me nowhere. I feel like I can't get my foot in the door anywhere. Everyone wants you to have at least one year experience, but how do you get that if no one will give you a chance? I really do not want to end up in a daycare... It is just not my thing. I was talking to a girl at camp today and she was saying that unless I am willing to move, that I shouldn't be so picky. I don't know what to do. I would be ok re-locating, but I have no idea how I would afford it. My Mom keeps saying that she has faith that I am going to land a job... I wish I had her confidence.

The first week of camp was... well, death. This week has been much better so far. I think that we just needed to get on our feet and figure everything out. This week we have had 1 kid and 2 counselors out sick. We are going to the Crayola Factory tomorrow and Hershey Park on Friday.

Saturday my family is going to the new Heiffer International site in MD. It is an educational farm to show how Heiffer International works. Should be fun.

I guess that is about it for now!

Oh, and week one of no Facebook is going well. I don't really miss it, and I love the freedom that comes with it.

New Job, New Trips

2009-06-13T16:51:00.002-04:00

So my new summer job is a camp counselor at the Harrisburg Academy. I am in charge of kiddos from grade 5-8. It has been nice to have the older kids because they are more self sufficient and you do not have to baby sit the 100% of the time. This week was animal week, and we took the kids to Lake Tobias. They all had a GREAT time. They have an open bus where the kids can reach out and pet the “wild” animals. The llamas were my favorite, but the kids liked it when the moose “accidentally” walked onto the bus.

Next week we have three big trips – Indian Echo Caverns, The Crayola Factory and Hershey Park ~ Pictures to follow.

Rally for a Cure

2009-06-13T16:37:00.002-04:00

Today was Mom’s Rally for a Cure benefit. She and a bunch of other women get together every year and host a tennis tournament to raise money for breast cancer research. This year we raised about $3,300. It was a good day.

Facebook

2009-06-13T16:21:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I have made a choice, and I have decided to delete my Facebook account. This will probably not be a forever thing, I just truly need a break. I am sick of knowing what my old campers are doing every minute of their lives, and people I barely know commenting on things that I say and do. All of the people who are important to me and that I want to keep up with will be reading this blog. I have decided not to re-join until I have a solid teaching job. And seeing as I have no prospects at this point, it could be a while. So for now, goodbye Facebook. I am going to enjoy my summer without you.

(I will try to be better about posting pictures on here instead...)

Visits with Philly Loves

2009-05-11T12:18:00.003-04:00

Student Teaching

2009-05-01T18:45:00.003-04:00

So, Student teaching is officially over. Here are some pictures of my last day and 2 of the Solar System projects that I thought were the best!

2009-04-07T21:59:00.001-04:00

I wish I lived in a time where things were simpler.

I wish I lived in a world without cell phones or text messaging.

I wish I lived in an age without satellite television or extensive libraries of pirated mp3s.

I would give anything up in this day of communication for the inconveniences of romanticism.

I want my mind to be free from the expansive clouds of pointless information I've acquired through the years of living in the post-modern wasteland.

I wish I lived in a time where I was not constantly being marketed or manipulated or coerced into buying or joining or trying or sampling.

The irony of living in a world where we're all connected is that ultimately none of us are.

I miss using the cordless phone to place a single call that so much depended upon, knowing that leaving a message just wasn't the same as actually hearing the other person's voice on the other line.

I miss feeling the sheer elation, the ecstasy, the indescribable joy of buying an album on CD and listening to it on repeat for weeks at a time in the boom box of my parents basement, on my stereo in my room, and in my walkman as I feel asleep each night, mouthing the sacred words as I fell asleep with nothing else on my mind.

We have no romance. No stunning narratives. No burning angst. Every question can be answered at the push of a button, every desire met for the just the right cost, every meaningful story spoon fed to us using just the right mediums for us to understand.

We are drunk with boredom and apathy and the omnipotence of information and convenience.

And I hate us.

And the irony of this entire post is that I'm writing it on a blog that most readers will pass by it with about as much interest as they will a recent twitter update.

Perhaps my reason for writing such an apocalyptic entry is that I'm burnt out and tired towards the end of the school year and I'm frustrated that my life isn't as simple as I like it to be. I've been pulling 11+ hours days at work for the past month, and it all won't end until the end of this month. Which is fine, because I got myself into this gig, but it still can challenge your sanity.

I remember in college I used to think about all the beautiful and important and meaningful moments on a daily basis. And I'm basically still the same person who sees those things and longs to tell someone about it. I just haven't been making time to observe things and reflect on them like I should be, and that's frustrating.

I'm sorry, reader.

Recent Happenings

2009-04-06T20:00:00.003-04:00

I really am not a bad blogger, it is just the whole "no news is good news" type attitude. I have been spending all of my energy on teaching, trying to find a job for the summer so I can get out of my crappy YMCA part-time gig, and finding a teaching job next year. All of these things have lead to nothing short of daily frustrations and no spare time. I am learning that school districts do not even really think about looking at applications until like August for the following year. Let us take a moment and be honest. I am trying to be a teacher. A career when truly only the organized survive. What are they thinking? It makes me short of breath to even think about the idea of not knowing what I am going to be doing next year until August. I suppose this is where the whole "God's plan for your life" idea comes in, but the waiting time is agony. I am finding that I do not do well without direction...

So that has been 98% of my time. In the other 2% however, I managed to go to Parker's play of "Once Upon a Mattress", which was AMAZING. The kids again blew me away. Mom and Tom pretty much built the set, so I am going to throw in a picture of that as well to get the full effect. Saturday morning, Mom was in charge of the Easter Egg Hunt at the capitol building. Tom was the bunny. Pictures are as follows:

Valentines Day Party Dancing

2009-03-10T22:35:00.005-04:00

So at the Valentines Day Party, this is what the kids decided to do to keep themselves busy. They did this all by themselves. (Note: The week of Valentine's Day, they were doing a dance unit in gym...)

Full moon + Grade 5 = NIGHTMARE

2009-03-10T22:32:00.002-04:00

I never really believed in the full moon rumors. You know the ones where kids behave badly on full moon days. That was before I started teaching. Sweet Jesus in Heaven, I have never been so close to losing my patience in a classroom... ever. Every kid in the class had to be talked to today for behavior issues. Even the good ones. The ones that make you smile all the time and always do their work. Needless to say, it was a rough day with grade 5. Hopefully now that the lunar cycle is on a downward spiral things will improve this week.

Update on the drama

2009-03-07T22:13:00.002-05:00

Friday was interesting. The girl with the arms was sober and bleak all day. I tried to do little things to get her to smile, but nothing seemed to work. The guidance councilor talked to me, and apparently she had over 50 slits on her arms. She did them with a paper clip, and they were merely scratches, but it is the whole intent behind it that bothers me.

So in science the past few weeks, we are learning about stars and space and galaxies and such. So I wanted to mix up the lessons and have them do a project. They were assigned to create a constellation and write a myth about how it came to be in the sky. They of course had to add scientific stuff, but for their myth they were allowed to be as creative as they wanted. I was truly impressed at how seriously all the kids took the project, and the creativity that flowed through them as they worked. The one that got me though was the one how was the "cutter". For the sake of the blog, we are going to call her B.

B called me over and asked me to read her myth before she typed it up. She wrote a story about how she planted a garden, a seed for every person that she has ever met. And each seed grew into the plant that represented how that person treated her. While all of her seeds didn't grow, one seed did: and it was the seed that she planted for me. Her constellation is of a rose in the sky, and its called "Jillianous". The moon asked to have the rose in the garden because it reminded him that there was beauty in the human spirit, and that all hope in humanity was not lost. That there is kindness and love and that when people see the rose that they should be reminded of this.

Needless to say by the time I was done reading this, I had tears rolling down my face at an uncontrollable rate. I just gave her the paper back and gave her a hug. I found that I had no words to say, and that I was so overwhelmed with emotion of the whole thing, especially since I knew how things were going at home.

5th grade.

Whoever said drama started in 6th grade, was sadly mistaken.

2009-03-04T20:37:00.002-05:00

So toady, while in the middle of my reading lesson, a girl had her hand up. I looked over to call on her, and saw that she had 4 red slits going across her arm. 5th grade. 5th. I knew that this girl was having problems at home, but seriously. This girl is old for her class, but this is insane. I didn't think that the whole thing really effected me, until tonight when it was all I could seem to think about. I thought that in elementary school, that the kids had no idea that anything like this was possible. They are supposed to be innocent. I just want to shake her and tell her to start being a kid. I don't know how I am going to look at her tomorrow.

Birthday

2009-02-23T22:40:00.002-05:00

On my way to school today, this song came on my ipod, and a few parts hit very close to home...

Wish I had what I needed to be on my own,
Because I feel so defeated, and I am feeling alone.
And it all seems so helpless,
And I have no plan... I'm a plane in the sunset with no where to land...

It's my birthday tomorrow,
No one here could know,
That I was born this Tuesday, 22 years ago.
And I feel stuck watching history repeating...

Nothing like a little birthday funk. I think I just realized how much I miss my friends. Oh well.

I have the best friends EVER

2009-02-23T22:30:00.006-05:00

This past weekend Becca and Lisa came down to some very much needed time together. Here are a few of the highlights: They include Chocolate World, Cosmopolitans, The Whitaker Center and my pre-Broadway performance!

Recent pictures

2009-02-01T15:54:00.004-05:00

Nanny

2009-01-31T11:28:00.001-05:00

You know, I know she has been absent from our lives for nearly 10 years… but not a day has gone by where I don’t think about Nanny. And now that she is officially gone, I can’t help but think of all the things I could have done. Stupid things. Let her have the TV when she wanted to watch Murder She Wrote. Played more Uno. Sat with her more. Visited her more in the end. I wonder everyday if Nanny would be proud of me. I wonder if she would like who I have become. Nanny always said that I was going to be a teacher. And every time I had a professor complement me, I would smile and think that Nanny would have said the same thing. She died the day before I started my student teaching. And I know that with her state of mind in the end she never would have known the difference, but I keep thinking that she will never get to see me be a teacher. I wish the me who I am now could have 10 minutes with her in her sound mind to show her who I’ve become. To drink green tea and eat microwave bagels and lucky charms and to have her sing “A Bushel and a Peck”. The last time she sang that song to me, I was 12. I was in the back bedroom of her trailer and I was spending the night there because Gram was sick. Nanny came back to tuck me in, and I thought it was so stupid. She sat on the bed and sang the song to me. I don’t remember how I outwardly reacted, but I remember thinking that I was too old to be sang to at night. In the past 2 years, I have had vivid dreams about Nanny. Dreams where we talk, dreams where I just see her and try to talk to her, dreams where she is fading away and I can’t reach her. I know she is dancing with Jesus, and probably has been for a long time now, but something inside of me still feels empty now that she isn’t there anymore. A lot of the family says that they made their peace with this a long time ago – and in a way I did too. I knew that she would never come back. I knew that her passing would be better for her, and that she would be mortified if she knew how she was living the past couple of years. Maybe it was just vein hope that she would be back. I guess the bottom line is that I miss Nanny. I hope that she looks down once in a while and smiles on all of us.

Sad Goodbyes...

2008-12-13T23:11:00.001-05:00

Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be so hard...

Things I am VERY thankful for:

2008-12-05T12:19:00.005-05:00

I have been a bad blogger

2008-11-11T21:52:00.003-05:00

Here are some fall happenings since I have been such a bad blogger...

I tried to be chill, but he's so hot that I melted...

2008-10-12T11:26:00.001-04:00

Jason Mraz concert: October 11, 2008

Heart of the matter.... Forgiveness?

2008-10-05T12:21:00.000-04:00

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Big Breaths Everyone...

2008-10-02T00:25:00.003-04:00

So today (well, yesterday technically now)was the day of great news!
1. Not only did I get my placement for student teaching, but I got someone from Messiah College to be my adviser. ::BIG SIGH:: I will be working with 5th grade in Mr. Wickenheiser's class at Rossmoyne Elementary School. PRAISE GOD!!

2. Sherri was officially made Program Director! A WHOO HOO! Way to go Sheriah!

3. All my paperwork is filed for certification. Officially filed. It is up to the state of PA now to make me a teacher.

4. I got my phone charger back.

5. 14 days until Disney.

6. Pictures surfaced from this weekend. Great weekend with Meggers.

A Wicked Weekend!

2008-09-23T22:08:00.001-04:00

2008-09-09T22:40:00.002-04:00

School is... going. I feel like I have been so busy to breathe, yet I have been sleeping a ton. I don't know what's going on, but I'm not happy about it. Every time I get a break, I get anxious that I am missing something - a deadline, a birthday, a form, an un-returned phone call, a broken promise, a dental cleaning, anything. Something is missing, and yet everything is relatively in order. I haven't so much as missed a teeth cleaning in the past couple of months. And yet, the anxiety is overwhelming. I think it's because now student teaching is becoming real. There is a set deadline of the end of college. As of December 13th, I don't have to come back to Eastern again. I feel as if I am detaching myself from my friends slowly; maybe due to the fact that we are changing, or maybe its to make the band-aid rip easier in December. My head is spinning with things to remember, people to call, assignments to read, bills to pay, budgets to stick to, papers to write, letters to send, ect. I feel like I can't catch my breath in all of this crazy-ness. But the scary thing is that not only is this the end of an era, its the beginning of a bigger one. Will the breathing get easier as I get things more under control, or will it keep coming each day, and I am left with the only option to fight or flight? After seeing K last week and having an actual conversation with him, I decided I had too much baggage. Too many things pulling down on me preventing me from breathing. So I deleted the only thing I had left that held any substance and true written memories of our relationship. My Xanga account. The thing that I would use to remind myself of the good times, or to vent about the bad. I used it to document my feelings towards God, him, life and to document how it was all evolving - how I was evolving. But I realized that I am not the same species that I was then let alone the same person, and to have those 300+ accounts of our relationship at my grasp was just too stupid. My mind has filtered out most of it, block some of it, and I feel that I remember what I need to. While there was a sense of relief in the removal of my depressed past, there feels like there is just an empty space now. One that doesn't hurt any more, but is nothing but hollow. Breathing didn't get easier. It just got hollower. I hope I can know the oxygen that it will take to make breathing easier... I have an idea... but I have been very wrong in the past.

Just a beautiful day in the park

2008-09-03T10:30:00.004-04:00

A beautiful day in the park with 5 of my favorite people...

Mini Earth

2008-08-31T19:31:00.003-04:00

This is definitely worth watching...

http://www.miniature-earth.com/me_english.htm

"Welcome Home, Jillian!"

2008-08-29T12:06:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was my first day back with my girls. I had a nice, warm welcome...

(Check out the orange bun...)

This one was the result of me telling Alison that I wanted to see her new fall clothes. Please take note that they are layed out in outfits, or potential outfits.

Family

2008-08-14T15:49:00.002-04:00

Can't you see the family resemblance? I know I can...

Frustrations!!!

2008-08-12T13:51:00.002-04:00

I am getting very frustrated with school districts and schools in general. I have probably 20 phone calls out to different districts to get a student teaching placement, and no one is calling me back. So many things at Eastern are hindering on where I get placed, and Eastern is proving to be the most un-helpful school I have ever seen. And talk about RUDE! I feel like my whole life is hindering on this stupid placement. I haven't had time to do anything with my day other then make phone calls and send out e-mails. I am ready for everything to just fall into place...

And to go to Seattle.

Home again

2008-08-05T16:41:00.015-04:00

I am back from camp and happy to be here. Basically, we got to be crazy and have fun with kids and get paid to do it! Just a few pictures that best sum up the summer:

Camp

2008-06-23T22:45:00.003-04:00

Every one has heart strings right? Well, these are mine. These people and a baby named El, but thats a different story...

Amazing...

2008-06-07T13:14:00.002-04:00

This video is so powerful. I found it a while ago and just watched it again, and I can't get over it... please take the time on this one...

Lyrics = I love Jesus (or something to that effect...)

2008-06-07T12:58:00.001-04:00

This became my favorite worship song there...

Sidekicks! Our VBS theme song!

2008-06-07T12:55:00.000-04:00

Lisa, you better watch out....

2008-06-07T12:35:00.001-04:00

The inside joke of the trip...