A Wicked Weekend!

School is... going. I feel like I have been so busy to breathe, yet I have been sleeping a ton. I don't know what's going on, but I'm not happy about it. Every time I get a break, I get anxious that I am missing something - a deadline, a birthday, a form, an un-returned phone call, a broken promise, a dental cleaning, anything. Something is missing, and yet everything is relatively in order. I haven't so much as missed a teeth cleaning in the past couple of months. And yet, the anxiety is overwhelming. I think it's because now student teaching is becoming real. There is a set deadline of the end of college. As of December 13th, I don't have to come back to Eastern again. I feel as if I am detaching myself from my friends slowly; maybe due to the fact that we are changing, or maybe its to make the band-aid rip easier in December. My head is spinning with things to remember, people to call, assignments to read, bills to pay, budgets to stick to, papers to write, letters to send, ect. I feel like I can't catch my breath in all of this crazy-ness. But the scary thing is that not only is this the end of an era, its the beginning of a bigger one. Will the breathing get easier as I get things more under control, or will it keep coming each day, and I am left with the only option to fight or flight? After seeing K last week and having an actual conversation with him, I decided I had too much baggage. Too many things pulling down on me preventing me from breathing. So I deleted the only thing I had left that held any substance and true written memories of our relationship. My Xanga account. The thing that I would use to remind myself of the good times, or to vent about the bad. I used it to document my feelings towards God, him, life and to document how it was all evolving - how I was evolving. But I realized that I am not the same species that I was then let alone the same person, and to have those 300+ accounts of our relationship at my grasp was just too stupid. My mind has filtered out most of it, block some of it, and I feel that I remember what I need to. While there was a sense of relief in the removal of my depressed past, there feels like there is just an empty space now. One that doesn't hurt any more, but is nothing but hollow. Breathing didn't get easier. It just got hollower. I hope I can know the oxygen that it will take to make breathing easier... I have an idea... but I have been very wrong in the past.

Just a beautiful day in the park

A beautiful day in the park with 5 of my favorite people...